We can always turn to literature to help us make sense of this most complicated of human emotions.
I am no stranger to grief. It has been almost 10 years since my mother died, and close to 12 since I lost my maternal grandmother. More recently, I lost an uncle to heart attack, and two beloved senior pet dogs, one after the other, on top of several more pets since I first was allowed to have one as a child.
I’m under no delusion that I’ll ever stop grieving; I’ve just learned to live with it. It has become a friend, one that has helped me look back on beautiful memories with a smile, while learning how to live my life to the fullest. Embracing it doesn’t mean the pain has gone away nor have I finally understood this most complicated of human emotions. Far from it—and that’s okay.
Whenever I feel the familiar pang of longing for my Mama, Nanay, and pets, I turn to words, specifically books, to help me make sense of this emotion that is a mix of so many other emotions. Actor Andrew Garfield, in a recent viral video with Sesame Street’s Elmo, gave an accurate and heartfelt description of what it’s like losing someone (or a pet).
“Sadness is kind of a gift,” he says gently to the attentive red furry monster. “It’s a lovely thing to feel, in a way, because it means you really love somebody when you miss them … it makes me feel close to her when I miss her.” Indeed, grieving is loving, and love is always a beautiful thing.
As Novembers 1 and 2 draw nearer, those days when Filipinos traditionally visit their departed loved ones’ final resting place, let’s look at some books that can help us understand grief in all its complexity, and yes, even beauty. With grief, there is love. And it is only by experiencing utter devastation at the loss of someone dear that we can say we’ve truly lived and loved.
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1. The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
This was the very first book I read in the wake of my mom’s death in 2015, and I’ve read it at least once a year since then. One of Didion’s most powerful works, this memoir shows us a more vulnerable side to the literary great as she reflects on the sudden loss of her husband while caring for her seriously ill daughter.
“Life changes in the instant. The ordinary instant,” she writes, in what is possibly one of the book’s most piercing quotes. I think no other writer has encapsulated the sudden, all-consuming jolt that comes from the death of a loved one, even if it was due to a lingering illness.
Death is as instant as a flick of a switch but profoundly life changing. Didion takes readers on her journey through “magical thinking” as she tries to come to grips with her immense loss. Through her masterful prose, she offers a window into the complex nature of grief and the many ways we try to cope. I’ve always found comfort in Didion’s words, maybe you can, too.
2. Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner
Written by the singer of the band Japanese Breakfast, Crying in H Mart delves into Zauner’s experience of losing her mother to cancer, which makes the book relatable to me and many others who have lost a parent to the dreaded disease. Through food, culture, and memory, she tries to grapple with the magnitude of her loss while also trying to come to terms with her identity as a Korean-American.
I highly recommend this book even if you’re not struggling with grief, as this memoir is also about the equally confounding journey to self discovery. Zauner’s prose is profound yet deeply personal and accessible, showing readers how food and memories can help us navigate not only bereavement, but also help us better understand ourselves in the process.
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3. Notes on Grief by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
In this exquisite meditation on pain, loss, and love, the Nigerian novelist chronicles her emotional turmoil after her father’s passing in 2020, all while also navigating a world gripped by a pandemic. What makes this book so relatable is how, through Adichie’s trademark lyrical prose, she was able to capture that feeling of disorientation that comes with the passing of a loved one.
Sure the grief can be overwhelming—but life must go on even if the effort it takes to return to “normalcy” (if ever there’s such a thing), only adds to the pain. This feeling is captured best by this line in the book: “How utterly absurd it was that in the midst of emotional pain one still had to pay bills and buy groceries and function as though all was well.”
Adichie’s narrative resonates with readers grappling with the sudden, unimaginable loss of a parent, offering an earnest account of love, family, and the profound ache brought about by grief. This is a perfect example of how great literature can show us we’re not alone in pain and suffering.
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4. Levels of Life by Julian Barnes
Known for his contemplative and elegant writing, Barnes explores the connection between love and loss, chronicling his experience through grief after his wife’s death. Through his clear and precise prose, the English writer takes us through different layers of emotion, while examining how grief—and love—transforms us.
Barnes’ insights help readers understand the complex, and at times confusing, connection between love and loss, showing us how these two seemingly disparate emotions are but on the opposite sides of the same coin.
5. Where Reasons End by Yiyun Li
This is a difficult and heavy read, but recommended for parents trying to make sense of the loss of a child, especially by suicide. It brings to mind a quote from The Lord of the Rings, uttered by Theoden while burying his only son and heir: “No parent should have to bury their child.”
Li’s harrowing novel unfolds as a dialogue between a mother and her teenage son, confronting that terrifying emotional landscape of parental grief. Through their imagined conversations, Li explores the pain and complexities of loss, offering a haunting, reflective meditation on the power—and limitations—of words in expressing unspeakable despair.
6. Grief is the Thing with Feathers by Max Porter
This novella that reads almost like poetry follows the story of a father and his two sons who are visited by a crow after the death of his wife and their mother. The crow, which symbolizes grief, becomes a companion, reflecting the strange, often unexplainable nature of loss.
At times surreal and confounding, the book’s unconventional style, in a way, also reflects the the absurdity of grieving. Despite being a rather slim volume, the emotional heft of this memorable book and Porter’s powerful words, will leave us comforted in the face of unexplainable grief.
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7. A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis
From the writer who gave us the fantastical world of Narnia is this profoundly philosophical and emotional book on death and grieving. As Lewis documents his feelings following the death of his wife, he offers insights on the spiritual dimension (being the theologian that he also is) of grief and how it can help the bereaved in the process of healing.
“Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything,” he says of his wife’s passing. This was how it felt like in the first few months after my mom passed away. The feeling was too encompassing; it felt as if it would swallow me whole. I found comfort in Lewis’ beautiful and timeless words. Sure the pain can be lacerating, but it can also be transformative. It can leave us vulnerable but also much stronger.
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