Christmas may be the most wonderful time of the year for some—but not for everyone. And that’s completely okay.
The holiday vibe is now inescapable. The cooler breeze, cheerful carols blaring from your neighbor’s bluetooth speaker, festive decorations and Nativity displays just about everywhere.
Everything is merry and bright. Or is it? What if Christmas is not Christmas-ing? For many of us, in fact, the Yuletide season is just as stressful as it is joyful. There’s the mad holiday rush that makes traffic even more abysmal. Even shopping for gifts is not as enjoyable as it was before. Planning for your Noche Buena menu? This can be a nerve-racking affair as well.
And then there are those who struggle with just getting through the day, who now find themselves having to muster even more courage to see through the season where everyone expects everyone to be merry and bright.
Perhaps, you’re one of them. Maybe you’ve lost a loved one, be it another human being or a dear pet. Or it could be that you don’t exactly have the best relationship with your family. It could also be that you’re struggling with a mental health concern. Christmas may be the most wonderful time for many—but not for all. And that’s okay.
With this, The POST interviewed relationship consultant Juanito “Dan” Caballes of The Love Institute, for some pieces of advice on how we can get through the most wonderful time of the year when it isn’t exactly doing us any wonders.
Related story: Going Home to Christmas: Why this Jose Mari Chan musical is the holiday escape you need
Related story: Cozy Christmas movies to binge on your holiday night in
Go beyond coping—adapt certain mindsets!
Caballes agrees that the Christmas season is definitely a stressor for most, if not all, of us. He, however, suggests that we go beyond just looking for ways to cope with all the stresses. “If you are looking for ways to cope, coping implies just dealing with whatever it is in the moment. If we find ways to cope this season, then we will have to find ways to cope again next year,” he says. “It might be more useful to find or adapt certain mindsets that will help us thrive and positively deal with these stressors.”
For this, he offers the following suggestions:
- Know the difference between what is important versus what is urgent. “Oftentimes we focus our energy on what is urgent and end up with less time and energy on what is important,” he explains.
- Always stay in touch with your values. “When you acknowledge and affirm what is most important to you, you can identify which stressors you can ignore or at least put on a lower priority,” Caballes clarifies. “Our values tell us what matters most and we can choose to focus on them.”
- Remember to include yourself in the list of people to gift. “You can, in fact, put yourself at the top of your list,” the relationship expert enthuses. “When we display compassionate acts directed to ourselves, we receive the subtle but important message that, ‘I am important, I am valuable.’”
He says that this creates a sense of well-being within us that will help us deal with the rest of the stressors in a much more positive manner. “Remember that you cannot pour from an empty cup, and when we fill our own cup first, we can come from an overflow of self-compassion that we can use to be more compassionate to others,” Caballes adds with a smile. - Stay in the moment. He reminds us to not worry too much about the future, enjoy the present, pause to take a deep breath, and quietly say to yourself, “All will be well.”
Caballes says that during this time of the year, it is normal to be stressed. “Almost everyone is experiencing what you are experiencing,” he emphasizes. “It is what you do with the stress that matters. You can take steps to reduce it, or you can allow it to take over your life.”
Dealing with annoying family members
Annoying family members during gatherings have been a running joke among us Filipinos. So how do we deal with the makulit na tito or tita and all their vexing questions?
“It’s easy to say to just ignore those nosy family members, asking why you’re still single, why you haven’t been promoted, asking about your weight, etc.,” Caballes admits. He reminds us, though, that our reaction to them is largely a reflection of our own self-concept and self-worth.
Related story: Here’s how to enjoy eating while staying healthy this Christmas
Related story: Holiday hit list: 12 Christmas food ideas
Related story: Holiday hit list: 12 (more!) Christmas food ideas
“If I believe that I am failing in relationships, my work or life then I make myself vulnerable to what other people say and I take it as a criticism or judgment,” he explains. “However, if I come from a healthy sense of self, if I know who I am and, more importantly, I accept who I am, then this healthy self-concept will help me deal with whatever external criticism that comes. Ultimately, I can respect the opinion of others, but it does not need to sway my opinion of myself.”
Let us remember the reason behind the giving—we give because we value, we give because we love.
But what if your relationship with certain family members is strained? How do you deal with having to face them during gatherings, with all the feelings of discomfort and awkwardness that could arise with such interactions? “We also do a lot of pretending during the holiday festivities. When there are conflicted relationships in the family or friends, we think that we must put on a façade as if everything is okay. This is our choice, to be civil in these situations,” Caballes says.
“But ultimately if we want to be true to ourselves we can try to find a way to at least begin to reconcile with the person or persons with whom we have a conflict. It is, after all, the season of reconciliation and love.”
Related story: Why do some relationships work and others don’t?
To those who are going through a difficult time
What if you’re facing something much more difficult than having to deal with annoying relatives? To those who are grieving the loss of a loved one, be it a person or pet, or reeling from a devastating breakup, Caballes suggests conducting an “internal dialogue.” You can tell yourself: “It’s okay to not be on the same cheerfulness level as everyone else. It’s okay to not be okay.”
“But even when we may not be grieving a loss, it can still be difficult if we feel that we are forced to be cheerful when we don’t feel like being cheerful,” he says. “In these cases, we can still affirm to ourselves that it is fine, and I am fine.”
Related story: I die a little every day at seeing my father battle dementia
Related story: All Souls Day reading: Seven books to help us understand grief
Meanwhile, to those struggling with mental health issues such as depression or anxiety, Caballes says it is important to acknowledge these feelings and not just sweep them under the rug. “We may try to forget about the source of our sadness or anxiety but it will probably come back more intensely. The best thing to do is to get help.”
It can be difficult if we feel that we are forced to be cheerful when we don’t feel like being cheerful,” Caballes says. “In these cases, we can still affirm to ourselves that it is fine, and I am fine.”
He recommends talking to someone who tries to understand your situation and is willing to listen without judgment. “This is so that we get a sense of clarity as to why we feel the way we do,” he says. “A lot of people are struggling with anxiety and depression, especially during the holidays. Unfortunately, not a lot are looking to get help. It takes courage to ask for help, but it can be a very fruitful way of giving yourself a special Christmas gift.”
Asked for a final piece of advice to help see us through the Yuletide season, Caballes says we often get lost in the mad flurry of looking for the right gift for the right person, balancing our budget, dealing with the Holiday carmageddon among other Christmas-related stressors.
“(But) Let us remember the reason behind the giving—we give because we value, we give because we love,” he advises. “Let us make space in our hearts for the presence of the love that is truly in our nature.”
